Who I Am…

                                                  

      Well where to begin. My identity varies on a day to day basis. But then again I guess that can be my identity. Allow me to explain. The way I feel effects the way I act, and the way I act can determine what kind of a person people perceive me to be. Identity to me is how our moral code and attitude influence our actions. What we believe to be right and wrong combining together with an altered state of mind, by which I mean an attitude or emotional mood, can make us a different person day by day.

            What I mean by this is that my actions are influenced by my mood, as with many people in the world. If I’m feeling a bid depressed I tend to reach for a cigarette and shut myself out from the world. If I’m in an overall good mood, I’ll be more willing to perform the mandatory daily tasks like school and work.             There are some days when I feel over-energized and that gives me a stimulating view on the world around me. I tend to be more friendly and talkative, which would label my identity as “that funny guy” or “the easy going guy.”             Then again there are some days that seem to just rain crap on me all day. Hence, my personality changes to that of a slight depression and makes my actions a bit more apprehensive than any normal day. On such a day, I tend to be reclusive and have an overall feeling of being worn out. This may seem to others that I could be not too friendly or maybe even boring. We have all had these days where you wake up in the morning and your alarm didn’t go off, you get a shower only to find out the hot water heater shut off in the middle of the night. After you leave the house you get stuck in traffic and end up late for work. Then the day just keeps on going like that until you finally get to sleep that night. There have been days in high school where all I have wanted to do was crawl into a corner and sleep until things got better.

            A third example would be that I tend to be a little irate. On a day like this, I become short tempered and I snap at people for little things and this could label me as troubled or just an overall “angry guy.”

            Although it really doesn’t help that there have been some events in my life that gave me the reputation of being an angry person. Early in my elementary school life I was isolated from the mainstream class because of my behavior issues. I had a tendency to lash out at other people so they put me in a special needs class. There, I was stripped of all rights as a human. All trust in me was erased and replaced with an everlasting watchful eye on my every action. I grew to hate this sort of imprisonment. To this day I will never forgive those who incarcerated my freedom, but, now I am free and I wish to give to others the freedom that I was deprived of for so long.

            I would have to say that if I had not been through all of that torture, I would not be who I am today. I have been through some shit. I seem to be more sympathetic towards people, especially if they are being mistreated. I have never had any feelings of spite or hate towards anyone of any race. I try and get along with people no matter whom or what they are. I believe in giving everybody a chance, but if they mess it up then they are done, and that’s not because of skin color. I have been friends with people if many races. When I was a child growing up in New Jersey, my best friend was of African descent. We would go to the playground behind our houses and wouldn’t leave until our parents called us in for bed. Sometimes we stayed at each other’s houses during the night. Although as time went on, we moved to Pennsylvania and I never seen him again.

            If there is one thing I would admit to being is I am a very helpful person, especially to those who both need and deserve help. I may not be the kind of person everybody likes, partially due to the fact that I try to stay out of the main cliques, mostly the preps and the popular groups. I feel most comfortable around people that have interests in out of the ordinary things. I like to feel like an outcast from the rest of the world. It makes me feel unique and it’s kind of empowering to be myself. For instance, when I turn on the TV, I don’t see MTV or VH1 or any of those damn ‘reality’ shows, or the current music choice of the nation. It disgusts me to the core when I see people trying to be like everybody that they see on TV or the movies. Those programs create a false image that those of weak self-esteem emulate. I’m not like that. I turn on the TV and turn to the IFC, Independent Film Channel. I’m so intrigued by the fact that there are movies in the world that are not ‘zazzed’ up by Hollywood or famous actors. The fact that ordinary people have created something that they are not afraid to share with the world.

            I am like many of the teenagers my age, in most aspects. I like spending time with my girlfriend, playing video games, and yes, even going to class. I place my schooling before anything else, though, it is hard sometimes when I would much rather be sleeping or spending time with my girlfriend.  I do have a part time job, because I don’t believe on feeding off the government, and I enjoy working there. It’s an easy job too. I’m a cashier at Trader Horn right in Indiana. The only aspect of the job that might seem undesirable is that I have to put up with some of the most ignorant and ridiculously uneducated people. We are supposed to call them ‘customers.’

It is really hard to tell what kind of mood I will be in but then again, those examples are only external views on who I could be. Actually, once people get to know me, I’m a really nice guy. I have many beliefs and morals. Many of the things I take in to be wrong would be violence towards women, children, the elderly, and people that behave different from me. I’m not racist and I despise anyone who is. I’m a very easy person to get along with. I’m a funny guy, or so I’m told, and I love to watch and listen to stand-up comedians. Some of my favorite comedians are Steven Wright, Dane Cook, Mitch Hedberg, and Nick Swardson. There are some other ones but those four are the ones I listen to and watch the most. Their comedy is of an odd type. Some of their jokes make you think and I appreciate that kind of comedy. I enjoy comedy for its intellectual value. I like clever jokes and witty comebacks. I look at things from a different point of view.

One of my favorite quotes from Steven Wright is “My guardian angel must be an alcoholic.” I can relate to that for the simple fact that I was always getting hurt as a kid, and even still today. One of my biggest goof-ups happened three years ago when I, accidentally mind you, stabbed myself in the leg with a butterfly knife. Not one of my greatest achievements. But yes, I had to be rushed to the hospital to get my leg sewn up. I found out a few days later that the blade was less that an inch from cutting my femoral artery, the big vein in the front of your leg. Had that happened I would have bled to death within minutes. That incident gave me a whole new view on how I was living my life. Not so much what I was doing day by day, but how I looked at my existence. Before the incident, I was reckless, still am a bit though, I was rude and just a cocky teenage boy. However, since that incident, I wake up every morning with the attitude that there is very little to bring me down. I make the best out of every situation, no matter how bad it may seem.

And of course there are my life interests. The reason I am going to college is so I can earn a degree in computer programming. I plan to live an honest life, after all, isn’t that what everybody should hope for? My vision of my future would be working an eight hour day, coming home to a decent sized house to a wife and kids who love me. Ah, isn’t that the picture perfect life. Even though that whole dream is, in fact, a dream, I will work my hardest to get as close to that dream as possible. This may sound weird, but my picture perfect view on retirement is me, waking up early every morning, driving to a coffee shop with the day’s newspaper, and sitting down for hours reading the paper and drinking coffee. I have seen a lot of people during their retirement do this. It just seems so out of this world to me because I have very little time to rest and I would love to have nothing to do but waste time in a coffee shop. I know, it’s not the most ambitious of goals, but it’s what would help me through life.

There are many career choices that I could have chosen to enter. Although, throughout high school, I have become increasingly interested in the way computers operate. That is why I chose to study in computer programming. It’s not the easiest thing to do, but I’m really passionate about doing this for the rest of my life. Also, the income I would make can help me hit my retirement plans better. I think that passion helps make learning everything easier for me. I have always thought that you have to want to learn something in order to learn it.

            I don’t know whether or not this is what my identity would be, but this is what I would like people to know about me. I’m not the most exciting person to talk to but if people are interested then I will try my best to not disappoint. And who knows. Maybe I’ll post this paper on my blog and meet a few people with the same interests as me.

           

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